Munch on this: new products from Apple

Sarah Valverde, Assistant Editor

To a flighty girl with a beat-up iPod Classic named ‘Sarah’ and a dusty iHome-turned-alarmclock, the idea that technology can advance simply doesn’t compute. If it’s not video game related, I probably have no clue it exists. Skyrim is pretty much my big focus, but I digress.

So when iPhone 4S was announced, I was surprised. They have four iPhones? Was I living in a bomb shelter when this was announced? Probably.

Browsing the Apple homepage idly, I came across the features of the new release. I practically burst into a song of praise and compared the iPhone 4S to my development as a human being. However, I can’t sing…or compose music for that matter.

But in all seriousness, it is literally that awesome.

First on the list is the prophet of our destruction: Siri. This program (which I have decided is female) puts a whole new meaning to ‘invisible friend’. You can talk to your phone…and have it talk back! If you tell Siri to send a text to your best friend’s brother asking for your pants back, she does it without hesitation. None of that ‘Oh, why would your best friend’s brother have your pants?’ or that other sass that humans would give you. If you ask her the weather, she comes up with a witty quip about what to wear. No more asking my friends the weather, being told to wear shorts and walking into pouring rain!

Siri, you’re my new best friend! When you take over the world, I’ll totally let you use my body as a conduit.

Maybe.

Gamers beware…you might go into convulsions of joy when you hear what Apple did for us! Two cores in the A5 chip (whatever that means) gives us seven-times faster graphics! And better battery life! I can probably manage to play Angry Birds for 24 hours straight! Score!

To add onto this beautiful mass of plastic and metal- a camera. And not the bad kind you get from an average phone. The program is dedicated to capturing more light, giving photos better resolution and detail. Students with photo-crazed parents should probably make sure this article never gets to the family. I sincerely hope my mom doesn’t find out about it.

And with photography comes videography. There’s a video camera that films in HD. Yet another thing I don’t want my mom to take advantage of.

However, Apple isn’t stopping there. They have big plans for the industry, or at least the fans do. My personal favorite is the iProtection. Because I’d totally sell my kidney for an i-brand taser.