The Grinch takes on Christmas
December 23, 2010
Filed under Opinion
It’s that time of year, the time for Christmas joy and cheer!
Stockings stuffed and presents galore, reindeer, snowmen, and so much more!
Little kiddies greeted on Santa’s lap, they ask for new toys, new boots or a cap!
Okay, stop. stop. STOP. This is making me sick! Christmas cheer? Reindeer? Santa Clause?
Who came up with this anyway?!
I, The Grinch, and the obvious master of Christmas is here to guide you through all the lies and horrible traditions that guy in the red suit has forcibly shoved in your face.
Carolers. Oh, how I hate them. They come to my door, invade my personal space and sing out of tune, ear offending songs about the most ridiculous things. I mean really, how many times can you belt ‘joy to the world!’ in one song?!
Well, if you, like me, are offended by these overly cheery holiday hooligans simply do what I do. Invest in a good snow blower, and when they least expect it, turn it up to full throttle and blow them of their merry little feet. You may get some rather rude looks but it will be well worth it in the end!
Surprisingly, though, carolers aren’t the worst of the holiday problems. One thing that just really gets my green fur in a bundle are those darn Christmas lights. They’re everywhere, taunting me with their bright bulbs of nauseating color. Everyone is so dog on crazy about those headache inducing glass bulbs, I mean what’s so great about them? All they do is cause permanent blindness and severe headaches.
Speaking of eye-induced headaches, why does everyone view Christmas as an opportunity to dress terribly?!
Ugly Sweater Day? What is this? Why would anyone voluntarily dress up in a shaggy, flee infested carpet bag and call it fun? It’s preposterous I tell you. So here’s the deal, don’t let this fake, cheery spirit fool you into thinking you look good. Because you don’t. You look ridiculous. So take off that shaggy eye sore and put on some fashionably acceptable clothes!
Now that you see the logic behind dressing appropriately maybe you will believe me when I tell you cutting down a poor, defenseless tree and propping it up in your house to be displayed as some sort of relic is completely illogical. I mean really, you rant and rave about saving the rain forest but when it comes to our own forests, blinging out your house seems more important.
And what about those reindeer? Did anyone ask them if they wanted the task of pulling the big fat man in the red suit all over the world year after year? I think not! I mean I guess the Old Man’s not so bad. He does “pay them back” with nutritious carrots, but then again that means more cookies for him, which only manages to weigh down the sleigh more.
Speaking of weight, I would also like to mention that the amount of sweets and chocolates around this time are heart attack inducing. Seriously people, there’s only so much Godiva chocolate you can stuff into a stocking without causing obesity. And not to mention all of the candy canes, gumdrops, sugar cookies, pie and cake sprinkled everywhere. Re-freaking-diculous. Why aren’t doctors rioting? Can’t they see Christmas is obviously killing the world with its sweets alone?
Oh that’s right. They’re too caught up with this “holiday cheer” to take any notice!
Sorry, I got off a rant but let’s go back to the real problem at hand, that Darn Santa Clause is RUINING Christmas!
He thinks he’s oh so wonderful because he founded the holiday or what not but let me tell you! He’s nothing but a lazy old man! He doesn’t even make his own presents! He forces enslaved elves to brake their backs in order to meet the ever-demanding Christmas wish list while he sits back and pretends hes hard at work “checking it twice.” But, really, he’s stuffing his face with that extra holiday cookie.
I’m telling you he’s an absolute sham!
This Christmas don’t believe the lies, don’t let Santa get to-
whats that you say? You Love How the Grinch Stole Christmas? You want my autograph?
You baked me sugar cookies?!
Oh, well then. I suppose Christmas isn’t all that bad.
Ugly Sweater party anyone?!